Domestic Abuse
Domestic abuse, also referred to as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse occurs when the abuser uses fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear the victim down and gain complete power over him or her. Domestic abuse can happen among heterosexual couples as well as in same-sex partnerships. When physical violence is part of the domestic abuse, it is called domestic violence. The goal of an abuser is usually to gain control over his or her partner. This unhealthy need for control may be met through physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, or any combination of the aforementioned types of abuse.
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse can be defined as the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. A wide range of violent behaviors fall into the category of physical abuse, including slapping, punching, grabbing, choking, and assault with a weapon. When a partner traps you in the house or physically prevents you from leaving an area, this is also physical abuse. Other types of physical abuse include throwing objects at the victim, refusing to help a partner who is sick, injured, or pregnant, and abandonment in dangerous places.
Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse can be more difficult to detect because it leaves no outward scars or bruises. However, the psychological consequences of emotional domestic abuse are often severe. Emotional abusers try to erode their victims' feelings of self-esteem and independence. Victims of emotional abuse may feel that there is no way to escape the abusive relationship. Emotional abuse can take the form of name-calling, yelling, insulting, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and other controlling behaviors are also considered emotional abuse. In many cases, emotional abuse worsens over time and escalates to physical assault.
Sexual Abuse
Any situation in which one partner is forced to participate against his or her will in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of violence. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, between one third and one half of all battered women are raped by their partners at least once during the abusive relationship.
Financial Abuse
An abusive partner may also seek to control a spouse or significant other by limiting his or her access to economic resources. Financial abuse can take place when one partner exclusively controls the finances, withholds money or credit cards, or gives an allowance. In some cases, the abuser will steal from his partner or exploit his partner's assets for his own personal gain. Withholding basic necessities, like food and clothing, or preventing a partner from working are other ways that financial abuse can manifest itself.
Signs of Abuse
There are many warning signs that may indicate that a relationship is abusive. One of the most significant signs is fear of your partner. Other warning signs include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you or a partner who causes you to experience feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation. Listed below are some additional signs of domestic abuse:
- Frequent injuries, explained away as "accidents"
- Frequent and unexplained absences from work
- Frequent harassing phone calls from the partner
- Isolation from friends and family
- Personality changes
- Extreme submissiveness around partner
- Depression and low self-esteem
Getting Help
If you live with someone who abuses you, you need to take immediate measures to protect yourself. There is a risk that you may be seriously injured when leaving an abusive relationship, so it's important to develop a safe plan for departure. When seeking help for domestic violence by phone, call from a public pay phone or another phone outside the house if possible. Likewise, if you are seeking help online, it is best to use a computer outside the house. You can often use computers for free at libraries and community centers.
If you are planning to leave an abusive partner, you should consider getting a restraining order against your abuser. Before doing so, you should research how restraining orders are enforced in your area. Find out if the abuser will just be given a citation or if they will be taken to jail if they violate the restraining order.
To keep yourself safe after you leave your abuser, you may need to relocate and change your children's schools. To keep your new location a secret, you should get an unlisted phone number, use a post office box instead of your home address, and close your old bank accounts. When you open a new account, use a different bank.
In order to heal emotionally from the traumatic situations you have experienced, you should seek out counseling, therapy, or support groups for domestic abuse survivors. These resources can help you deal with what you've been through, rebuild your self-esteem, and empower yourself to move forward with your life.
